This is a salad. This is also a salad This too, is a salad. It begs the question: what the f**k is a salad? ♪ You ♪ ♪ Suck at ♪ ♪ Cooking ♪ ♪ Yeah you ♪ ♪ Totally ♪ ♪ Suck ♪ So, we’re gonna take some blueberries… ♪ NO! We do NOT do that here. This isn’t a parade, it’s a fruit salad. Let’s be serious. We’ll just throw those in a bowl, then we’ll pull the stems off some strawberries and slice those up into the size of strawberry pieces that you think are cool. And if you want a bit of a sharper taste, cut them into triangles, the most dangerous shape of all. Then we’ll take some grapes and slice them in half. You can go two at a time if you want. Or take another cutting board, then line up a whole row, and realize that that doesn’t work at all. You’re not getting that time back. Just stick with one or two. Find a way to enjoy the slice, I know it feels slow. Then we’ll take a can of pineapple… drain the juice, then throw in those pre-chopped niblets. Now you may want fresh pineapple, but… A) You can’t eat that much pineapple unless you B) Are having a giant fruit salad party which you C) Are not So… just get the can. Don’t worry. Metal is natural, and if you don’t like pineapple, just throw in a can of oranges. Now, we’re gonna take a melon. NO! Do not trust a fruit that has a seed nest in the middle. But, feel free to throw in one of those kiwis. Now we’re just gonna make the fruit salad dressing, NO! Just because it’s called “salad” doesn’t mean it needs a “dressing”. A lot of people put “orange juice” and “sugar” or “honey”, but let me tell you a little secret about “fruit salad”… (whispers) Every single piece (still whispering) of this stuff is already full of fruit juice and sugar. (whispers) It’s built-in! (whispering) That’s why it tastes so good. (normal voice) We’ll add in some lime juice so you get a sour, flavour-enhancing punch-in-the-mouth before a sweet and gentle finish and that’s it. You don’t want a giant pool of juice sitting at the bottom of the bowl. This isn’t gazpacho. But, if you insist on making fruit salad gazpacho, then make fruit salad sangria gazpacho. It’s the perfect breakfast cereal if you have a difficult time getting enough wine into your body. [SLURP] Mmm… Breakfast. Now here’s an important question: Is there a place in fruit salad for banana? Yes, there is: as a banangjangler. Just banangjangale that together until it’s fully banangjangeled… You can also use it as a very bad spoon. Or as a even worse knife. Horrible fork… Excellent fork grip. So now you’ve done the easy part of making the fruit salad. Which is chopping and combining the fruit. That’s also the only part of making the fruit salad. *sarcastically* Congratulations, what an accomplishment. You put fruit in a bowl. *still sarcastically* Oh, good for you. ♫ If you make fruit salad and someone says… ♫ ♫ …’Oh my god this fruit salad is the best!’… ♫ ♫ …Well you’re not allowed to feel too proud… ♫ ♫ …Because all you did was chop up bits of fruit and put ’em inside a bowl! ♫ ♫ The fruit already tasted great… ♫ ♫ …You didn’t invent… The flavour of grapes! ♫ ♫ The good flavor came built into the fruit… ♫ ♫ …So don’t take credit for something that you didn’t do ♫ “You Suck At Cooking” Available October 15th. Preorder Now. (Link Below) NO!